Revisionland

I borrowed that term from the folks over at NaNoWrimo. I cannot take credit for the creation of such a place. A place of hope. A place of frustration and fear and...yeah...hope, ultimately.

Hope that I can actually make this story come alive. Hope that I have the knowledge to transform the parts that suck into actual literature. Hope that my characters leave a mark on the reader. Hope that I have readers.

So, remember last week when I posted a cheesy section of Blood Freckles and promised to revise it? Well, I just did and I think I'm happier with the result.

They opened the door to the outside was felt the rush of cold night air. Nina shuddered and squeezed his hand. He was looking at her again, she found it too hard to meet his eyes.
“Do you have to be somewhere?” She asked. She had hoped it wouldn’t be so cold so that there would be an excuse to wander around with him, preventing an end to the night. She was afraid he’d dissappear. Afraid he’d step into the dark and become nothing like her dreams of him. “I’ll go anywhere you want to go.” She whispered, wincing at how the words sounded once they hit the air.
His free hand touched her face and then smoothed over her hair. Ninas eyes closed and leaned back, hoping the wall next to the restaurant was as close behind her as she’d perceived. It was, and she leaned her back against it. She felt his hand slip out of hers and his hands clasped the sides of her face. All the cold was gone, and his lips brushed against hers. “Stay with me tonight. Please.” His voice was low and his eyes were closed.
“Ok.” She whispered, letting herself reach up and kiss him. Her hands reached up behind his head and into his hair. He pressed against her now, and moved one arm around her waist.
“Where? Where are you staying?” Nina mumbled.

I think I un-cheesed it a little- maybe infused a little more life into it. It's very similar to drawing or painting. I tend to avoid putting in the detail and the value change that brings things into 3 dimensions. I think I do the same with writing.

I will take on another section, I think...here's the before:

Around noon, Frank came in to relieve Rich for lunch. “You mind me eating in here? You need as much observation as possible.” He said. “I’m supervisor, so, I can afford to sit inside for a while.”
“That’s fine.” She said, opening her drawer and pulling out a bag of pretzels and some cheese.
He sat down in the chair. Nina would have liked to stretch her legs, but stayed in her chair peeling the string cheese. She watched him flip through screens on the computer, then roll back and look at the prints out. “These are pretty slow today, huh?”
“I guess.” She said- she hadn’t really noticed them printing.
“How you feeling about everything?” He leaned back in the chair and tapped a pen on the desk chair. His eyes were really big, she hadn’t noticed before.
“Good. I mean, I’m not feeling ready to be on my own at all- I’m not sure I’ll ever be.” She said.
He smiled, revealing deep dimples. “You will.” He looked down at her hand. “You’re engaged?”
Nina swallowed an oversized bite of cheese. “Huh?” She coughed, hoping she wasn’t being hurled into an embarassing unstoppable bought of coughs.
He pointed to her hand. “The ring? How long ‘till the big day?”
Nina looked down at the ring, and her lungs collapse. She took a drink and swallowed hard. “It’s not an engagement ring.” She said blankly.
“Oh, well, it’s on the right finger, or, rather, the correct finger. I just figured…”
“No, you’re right. Maybe I should wear it on the other hand.” She twisted it off and held it for a second, wishing Frank’s eyes weren’t on her.

So, in a couple day, I'll have embellished, de-lamed and hopefully made this little section pretty.